Epic "Musician Wanted" advert

This was posted today on a local musician’s bulletin board which I frequent, er, frequently!

“Dear warriors,
Storming down the motorway one dreary night, the heavens opened and the wrath of the gods lashed upon my motor vehicle. I escaped the burning wreckage to see an opening in the sky, from where I could see standing a figure with the manliest of beards.

To me, he warned: “A great war approaches, the Earth will be divided, nations will fall and many will perish.”
I enquired politely as to how this war could be prevented.

“Form the mightiest and loudest of rock bands ever known, assemble every musical warrior at your fingertips and bring them to the battle. The war can only be won through the power of rock and roll!”

With that, the being vanished. After several months of being called various names in multiple towns and having several drug charges brought against me, I have finally seen the light of the divine words. It is up to us, warriors, to form the mightiest and most powerful of rock bands the world has ever known.

Fortunately, I was supplied with these SEVEN ROCKANDMENTS. They were originally printed in stone, but I jotted them down on a tissue as I couldn’t be bothered hauling ten slabs of stone home. Also, I ran out of tissue so didn’t get to note them all down. There may be some mistakes:

1) Thou shalt write epic 80s rock music
2) Thou shalt wear sunglasses, regardless of location or time of day
3) Thou shalt assume a fake indentity, in order to confound our foes and protect the ones you love
4) Thou shalt write music to warn others and for no other reason
5) Disregard ROCKANDMENT #4 if you wish to write songs about riding motorbikes or growing beards, this is allowed if doom is not imminent
6) Thou shalt love thy neighbor (I think this was just a placeholder?)
7) Thou shalt rock in the name of light

Any musicians welcomed and appreciated, this fight needs every soldier available. Warriors, join us in saving the planet. Ideally, we need a drummer to get this moving. Band will be based in the Middlesbrough area, but will move on to save the rest of the world when the time comes.”

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